Usually I do a period-by-period highlight format, but frankly, I can't remember what happened in which period consistently for this bout. I do recall what I think were highlight, or important, moments, but slotting all of them into the right period will be impossible. Or maybe I'm just getting old. Or maybe I have a concussion.

Regardless, here's what little I can piece together from inside the lines, as the Carolina Rollergirls interleague team faced off against the Arizona Roller Derby all-stars, the Tent City Terrors.

'Twas the night before the bout

Penelope Bruz, nice instead of naughty for a change, backs off to not violate the 'no engagement at 20 ft.' rule. photo: xenographics

Usually before a bout, the Carolina interleague rep contacts the other team's interleague rep. She and the captains/coaches start sharing info, asking questions, and working out differences in how each team plays the game. There are a number of things that vary by league and those local customs are important to iron out. Prior to the Sin City games, we had lots of two-way communication; it was a bit less with Providence, but almost none with Arizona. I admit, going into the day of the bout, not having at least had some discussions ahead of time about the 20' rule, fighting, and some other specifics made me a bit antsy. If the skaters on both teams don't know what to expect the game can be frustrating. Talking through these things ahead of time helps that... and if you can talk early enough, the visiting team has a chance to prepare and adjust their training.

Anyway, it's the holiday season and I'm feeling generous. If I were St. Nick, here's what I'd leave in everyone's stockings this year. And this is derby, so those are naturally fishnet stockings hanging by the fireplace. With skulls wearing Santa hats. And bells. Ho ho ho.

Naughty and Nice

These girls are dangerous, so I'm not going to comment on who I think is especially naughty or nice. You decide.

Size matters...

The larger AZRD blockers had a hard time landing clean hits on the smaller CRG skaters, resulting in back-blocking penalties. photo: xenographics

...maybe. At least, it seems to matter. Going into the game, I suspect that the size difference of the two teams could be a factor. The largest Carolina girls are 5'7" or maybe 5'8" with the average height probably around 5'3" or maybe smaller. The Arizona girls seem to have, on average, three to four more inches in height and some additional mass. It's hard to imagine some of the Carolina skaters not simply bouncing off of the larger Arizona girls. Even more amusing is the Carolina "Power Blocker" position - the last blocker in the pack. Historically this is a big strapping girl who can bring some serious pain, but Carolina is playing the position differently for this match with Shirley Temper, Princess America, and Eris Discordia in the back. If they combine for over 330 pounds of weight I'd be surprised. Still, that's a lot of experience in the back and I'm guessing they are hoping to match speed, agility, and experience against the size of AZRD.

After the game, the taller AZRD girls confessed that they had a difficult time with the size of the Carolina girls - they had no idea how to engage them without fouling them.

For Carolina - good things may come in small packages but a bit of size wouldn't hurt

Peace, love, and understanding

At the beginning of the school year, my daughter was asked to draw a picture of what "peace" means to her. She's seven, but she's already got a few things figured out. She drew a picture of a girl in roller skates with her hands on her hips, with the caption "Peace means calling off the jam".

I'm so proud.

So, Carolina doesn't fight. Their league policy is to simply not fight. The league feels that the crowd appeal of the pseudo-fighting isn't all that great and isn't worth the trade off in terms of in-game penalties and the reputation that being a "fighting" team brings. Fighting is pretty much restricted to just swinging and grabbing the body... if you do more than that you could be completely ejected from the game. I've been doing this a year now and in the bouts I've witnessed personally (both home and away) there hadn't been a fight until last night. A Carolina blocker put an out of bounds block on the Arizona jammer and was given a major penalty. The Arizona jammer responded by jumping on the Carolina blocker and trying to start a fight, but the Carolina blocker didn't respond - she simply held her arms outstretched.

Now I don't want to eliminate fighting entirely from roller derby. In any contact sport you're going to have times when emotions flare and the fur starts flying. Fine, I say. But in the meantime, cut back on the pointless grappling for show -- especially if you're a jammer.

For Roller Derby - an end to pointless grappling and pseudo-fighting.

And ma in her helmet panty, and I in my cap

Head coverings are nice. I have no hair, so they keep my head warm. They serve a specific purpose. For me, it's warmth. For jammers, it's letting everyone know you're the jammer. In the second period the AZRD jammer lined up without her helmet cover on.

I don't think I have to explain the impact of this. Short version, she's off the track and Arizona goes jammerless. In a close game, mistakes like this can be very, very painful. You can't score points without a jammer.

For jammers - a clean helmet panty that they can remember to put on their helmets ('cause mama always said to wear clean panties when you bout)

Two packs a-splitting

...and a partridge in a pear tree.

In the games against Sin City (both home and away) as well as Providence, we talked beforehand. One of the areas of discussion was the strategy called "Run Away Pussy". Oddly enough, this was a strategy used by Carolina at the Dust Devil tournament in Tuscon last year. Essentially, when your jammer is in the box, your blockers race and prevent the opposing jammer from scoring you. There is no pack, so no lead jammer, no hitting, etc. By the strict rules, it's legit. What it does, though, is frustrate the other team, make it hard for the refs to call, and confuse the fans. Carolina caught a storm of criticism at Dust Devil and stopped using that strategy. In addition, most other leagues have agreed, during their pre-bout communication, to not use that strategy, and simplify the match. Since that pre-bout communication was lacking, no one expected a Run Away Pussy. It was messy and made calling the game difficult... it's hard to give a minor to everyone on the track, and work that out in the 20 seconds between jams.

For all WFTDA leagues - an end to the split-pack mess.

Nobody wants a Charlie in the Box

I have lots of opinions... and most of them are pretty lame. There are a few derby-related that I raise from time to time, and I think it's a good time to bring them up again. Penalties, although equal on a per-player basis, are not equally weighted by position. A single blocker in the box is not much of a "penalty". Two blockers in the box can be trouble... but a jammer in the box is very serious.

Derby is all about point-differential. On any jam you're trying to maximize your point-differential, i.e., the points you score compared to the other team. A lead jammer may call off the jam if she's physically behind the opposing jammer to prevent either team from scoring. A lead jammer may call off the jam immediately after she passes the pack to limit the number of points the trailing jammer can score. Over time, these little pieces add up. Sure, there are some big jams, but it's the overall progression that adds up to the final score.

In most sports there's a concept of "special teams", "turn-overs", and other rare but important situations. In any sport, a game between two closely matched teams often comes down to turn-overs or special-teams play... and this is true in derby. A disciplined team will take smarter penalties. A disciplined team will manage their line-ups to keep jammers from getting their fourth minor while jamming. A disciplined jammer will avoid taking major penalties. A team who's down a few blockers may execute a different strategy to minimize the impact of playing with fewers skaters.

This was a 10 point game. In the first two periods Arizona skated jammerless two or three times. This gave Carolina a fairly large lead through the first and second periods. AZRD tightened down in the third, though, and Carolina started the period jammerless. Worse still, I pulled the Carolina jammer in the last jam of the game for her fourth minor. Had there been more time on the clock, Arizona could have possibly made up the 10-point differential and won the game. It wouldn't have been easy or a sure thing, but certainly possible. I know they scored 13 points on a single jam in the first period, so it wasn't out of the realm of probability.

No team wants a Jammer-in-the-Box... I'd like to gift all teams with more discipline in keeping their jammers out of the box.

• If you're a jammer, don't commit major penalties. That fight early in the game that lead to a major on the AZRD jammer may have sealed the game right there.
• If your jammer is in minor-penalty trouble be careful when you put her in play. Both Carolina jammers sat in the box due to receiving their fourth minor while jamming... coaches and jammers should watch that more closely. That lack of discipline from Carolina nearly cost them the game.

So that's it, as best as my wondering eyes can recall.

One last gift... some stats

Score, by period

• First Period - CRG 47, AZRD 34
• Second Period - CRG 84, AZRD 50
• Third Period - CRG 100, AZRD 90 (final)

Jammer Take-Outs/Take-Downs - Eris Discordia with 9. This is not a typo. Booyah. Roxy Rockett had 7,
Eva Lye and Teflon Donna 6 each.

* Eris' breakdown was 4 take-outs and 5 take-downs, the most take-downs by far. Again, booyah.

Blocks - Eva Lye with 16, Roxy Rockett with 13 and Marcy Killer with 10.

* Eva and Roxy each had 9 defensive blocks, leading that category. Marcy led with 8 offensive blocks.

Assists - Eva Lye and Roxy Rockett each with 8, Kitty Crowbar with 7.

* Who owns the pack? Eva Lye owns the pack!

Jammer Points - Roxy Rockett with 40, Teflon Donna with 36 and Betty Rumble with 19.

* Roxy and Donna also had 6 lead jams each.

voodoo

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